It’s been hard for me to come up with Monday posts lately. I’ve actually skipped several weeks in the past few months. I have a few ideas saved, but Sunday (when I usually write Monday’s posts) rolls around and I have zero energy to write them. I can’t focus on “Avoiding ‘Us vs. Them’ Mentality When Studying Personality Types” right now. And I’m not yet at the point where I can write “Tips For INFJs Going Through Heartbreak.” But I didn’t really want to share what’s going on with me either. So I just let the posting schedule slip.
I guess I’m going to share it now, though. My boyfriend and I broke up a little over a month ago. The cat I wrote about two weeks ago ran away the last day of March. And if you rank anxiety on a 0-10 scale (0 being none and 10 being a panic attack), mine last week was hovering at 3-4 and jumped up to a 9 one morning. I feel like my life is unraveling and my mind keeps swirling through weird thought patterns.
- Update: I wrote this Sunday evening and Monday morning before the blog post went live my cat came home! He was there when I woke up, hungry for food and attention. Praise the Lord, for He is good and answers prayers even about missing kitties!
If I take a mental step back, it’s clear my life isn’t really spiraling out of control. The breakup was emotional, but we both decided we didn’t really see a future in the relationship so we agreed to end it and stay friendly. I feel terrible that I still haven’t been able to find my poor little kitty, but there wasn’t much I could do about it (wind rattled open two locked doors leading out through the garage — what are the odds?!). And I am seeing a counselor to work through my anxiety, so for the first time since my inaugural panic attack over 10 years ago I’m getting help.
But knowing that breaking up was the right thing to do, that I can’t control whether or not my cat comes home, and that I’m working toward healing and coping doesn’t really help me feel like writing. At least not writing anything to share on this blog, other than typing up my weekly Bible studies. So that’s why there isn’t a real post today. And there wasn’t one three weeks ago.
I almost just skipped this Monday again, too. But sometimes I think it’s good to let people know things aren’t really okay. If we all just go through life keeping up this “I’m fine, how are you?” facade, then no one gets the chance to be authentic or to experience authenticity in other people. And if we believe that everyone else is “fine,” then we can feel guilty for the times when we’re not at all fine. So it’s okay to share when you’re not fine. To stop hiding and invite people to share in your tears as well as your triumphs. Because it’s okay if I’m struggling. And it’s okay if you’re struggling, too. We’ll get through this together.
Heartbreak sucks! Hugs to you! 🙂
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Thanks Lily
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I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this right now. And even if you’re confident in your decision, that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy (or pain-free). Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing you heartache. I will be praying for you as you navigate the pain, anxiety and unknowns. Glad you have your kitty back, God is always faithful. ❤
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Thank you ❤
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Marissa, thank you so much for being so open and honest. Living on our sin broken planet is not a smooth ride, so it helps us readers to know we are not alone when our own lives are in turmoil and chaos. Keep up the great work of your inspiring and insightful posts!
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Aw, thank you 🙂
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Monday posts are nice, but I’ve been loving your Saturday posts the most lately. We both know that the only way to get through times like this is by leaning on God and letting him do what he promises.
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Thanks 🙂 I’m glad you’re enjoying the Saturday posts!
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